Wait, they made FIVE of these?

Imagine one noise that encapsulates a groan, sigh and a facepalm. Now imagine that noise being 159 minutes long. Congratulations, you have successfully sat through Transformers: The Last Knight.

Before any die hard Transformers fans decide I’m an awful human being, which fair enough is true, let’s say some good things about the film.

The visual effects are awesome.

Right, good enough? Let’s get on with everything else.

HERE ARE ALL THE BAD THINGS

I don’t want to waste any time talking about this film so let me get my major problems out of the way. No one reacts to things like normal humans and some poor writers think that out of place attempts at humor are funny. They can be hilarious when they’re NOT IN THIS PILE OF JUNK. I don’t want Stanley Tucci on a horse talking to a robot saying ‘ooh aren’t I sozzled’ (drunk for any Americans watching/reading).

Also, a massive technical issue. The height of the screen changed almost every shot. This is genuinely one of the most idiotic things I’ve ever seen in a mainstream movie, every time it happened my eye was naturally drawn to the top and bottom of the screen and not where the actual film is. Imagine every time you read the letter ‘K’ in a book you were forced to look at the front and back covers, this is what it’s like watching Transformers.

The characters in question are humans (just) and look like they’ve been paid to act badly. I don’t want Sir Anthony Hopkins saying ‘bitchin’ or rambling like a deranged sociopath. Mark Wahlberg is American. Seriously, that’s his character in a nutshell. Laura Haddock is the new female love interest and owner of incredibly English name Vivian Wembley. She’s also smart but sexy, you can tell because she wears THOSE glasses.

When it comes to action, it’s meaningless. They keep adding new Transformers that no-one cares about and Optimus is off in space for the vast majority of it. Every time a Transformer gets hurt or injured I felt nothing. I also felt nothing for the humans who are basically robots when Michael Bay is directing (SICK BURN).

The word on the street is that this is the last Transformers film and I hope they’re right because I reckon collectively we can all imagine a better way to spend 217 million dollars. 217 million sausage rolls for example. Annoyingly there’s a mid-credit scene that teases more films. I mean, why? Seriously, why? I understand that filmmaking is a business and the idea that something is guaranteed to turn a profit is enticing but why make a half measure for an instant hit instead of going for a classic.

I feel that the more blockbusters I see that get progressively more boring make me sadder with every passing day.

Someone asked me what the best thing about Transformers: The Last Knight was. With complete honesty I said ‘The trailer for Baby Driver beforehand’. I love films and I want to love every film, but when TRAILERS FOR OTHER FILMS are better than two and a half hours of entertainment, then you have a flawed product.